TMJ Tiff - My Story

Growing up, I had no understanding about issues of health care.  For 19 years of my life I was making visits to the doctor for the typical illnesses...a cold, fever, and the flu for only a $20 co-pay. I never questioned what co-pay meant.  I just thought everything was $20 and medicine would always be around $5-$10.  I thought it was affordable for everyone. Occasionally I would get a blood test and the only medication I really needed was DayQuil and Amoxicillin, but in the fall of 2007 things started to change.

I've been battling a chronic pain disorder called TMJ for almost 4 years.  I experience pain in the form of muscle spasms on my scalp, half of my face, mouth, and back.  I always seem to have pressure and swelling in my ear and jaw joint, and my teeth ache.  I would describe my arthritic pain in my jaw as a dull aching pain.  My equilibrium feels off and it has really compromised my ability to focus and have a normal life.  I went from $20 co-pays to $400 consultations from TMJ specialist who do accept health insurance.  My medicine cabinet use to only contain bandages, Tylenol, and DayQuil, but now it is filled with prescription drugs such as Soma, Lyrica, Vicodin, Oxycottin, and strong Ibuprofens.  Drugs were given to me like candy.  I use to only see my family doctor, but now I find myself driving the distance to seek different treatments from different specialist...some charging hundreds if not thousands of dollars while being indifferent to my pain...some life changing and making me realize that there must be a different way of treating pain.  

My physical pain manifested into mental pain.  I started realizing that I was not able to do simple things and the things I loved.  The pain would not go away no matter how hard I tried.  I could not enjoy simple things such as high impact exercising (running, wushu, dancing), leisure reading, studying, having a conversation, facilitating meetings/ workshops, being involved in the community, getting personal goals accomplished, and etc...without being in pain in the moment and suffering from even more pain by the end of the night.  My anxiety started growing as I found myself not being able to get things done, feeling behind on school work, and being filled with guilt. I always tried to be optimistic and think "oh well people have it worse than me", but I think the more I had that mentality, the more guilt started to build up.  I would find myself crying at least 5 times a day in the restroom, shower, car, garage, and before I slept. I would sleep at 6 AM every night.  My mind was a mess.  I was also losing my memory.  I would drive to myself to places and when I would arrive to my destination, I would not know why I was there.  I found myself not being able to find the right words when I talked to people and went blank when I would try to write my papers.  I dropped several classes (this is why I am a 5th year) and my anxiety increased to the point where I was fearful of going to the doctors.  I became fearful because the physical and mental pain I experienced was just textbook knowledge to them.  There was no sympathy...no empathy...just a quick fix with prescribing me drugs and being condescending...Trust me, I've been doing this for 20 years...Ok doc, I will listen to you, write you a check of $$$, and go drug myself now!  I cringed every time I saw their framed diploma hanging on their wall.  Because TMJ disorder is complicated, under researched, and highly debated, I felt hopeless about my situation.   

Healing 

What I just shared was a very small part of my experience battling a chronic pain disorder.  It's been a tough journey, but it has also been a very meaningful journey that has changed me for the better.  Although I still have pain and there are limitations in my life, this experience has taught me patience and to accept that things that do not go as planned. I am learning to acknowledge the circumstance that I cannot control.  I dwell less.  Life has become more fulfilling in simple ways.  I remember not feeling an ounce of pain for 3 hours, and I was the happiest person on earth.  I rolled down my window, blasted some techno music from 102.7, enjoyed the smell of freshly cut grass, thought about the things I could pursue if I was pain free, had the biggest smile on my face, and called Leon to tell him I didn't have pain.  Well, that only lasted 3 hours, but it was an amazing 3 hours I might have taken for granted if I did not go through I went through.  

My experience with pain has brought new meaning into what it means to truly heal. In many cases, I am very against prescribing pain medication because I know what it can do to someone mentally and physically.  I feel like at this moment in my life I am truly healing inside and out. A major component to healing is being aware of your environment, feelings, and etc… My tongue/jaw therapist introduced to me some healing methods that were able to relieve my pain.  There were habits that I needed to break such as my sleeping position that reduced the probability of my pain when I woke up.  I've learned certain breathing techniques that can reduce anxiety and certain foods that can relieve and exacerbate my pain.  I am currently seeing a pain management therapist (occupational therapist) @ USC that comes from a very special program called "Life Style Redesign" that is helping me get through my day.  My pain management therapist is teaching me to be more aware of my day such as my posture, sleep, diet, and work load and uses different time management techniques to conserve the limited amount of energy I have.  I feel so hopeful from the help I received from my speech/tongue therapist and pain management occupational therapist, that I feel like it is something I want to pursue.  They come from a very holistic approach when it comes to healing, and it has made a great difference in my life.  

The most important factor to healing was having support from family, close friends, and of course my boyfriend.  I have not been the best person...many times being irritable and having mood swings...but family, friends, and the boyfriend were there for me 500%.  My selfless parents put their bodies through pain as assembly technicians, working overtime, in order to pay for treatments to get rid of my pain.  My mom is considerate of my jaw and will take the time to cook me delicious, chewable, Vietnamese food that will last me for a week.  My dad buys me different self - healing books, checks up on me, and even took the time to sit me down and remind me to never lose hope.  My sisters buy me natural medicine and pitch in for my treatments.  Leon, my boyfriend, goes above and beyond what he has to do.  There were countless nights where he would have to console me on the phone till 3 am as I would cry in pain and frustration.  He reminded me to never give up but also reminded me that it was ok to let it out and cry.  He would buy many different things that could relieve my pain...surprise me with boba & cookies...even make my stuff animal talk to me so I could laugh.  My friends have lent a shoulder to cry on, offered to massage out my muscle spasms, given care packages, checked up on me, and have been there in numerous ways that I am so thankful for.

Purpose 

This blog was always a personal goal of mine for the past 3 years.  I was very afraid of sharing my story to the public and have people assume certain things.  I've written various drafts concerning my experience but never had the courage to post it.  The last thing I wanted was for someone to judge such a painful and personal experience, but I was constantly reminded by close friends that...those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.  For the past few months, I recently started noticing a lot of friends getting different types of pain (physically and mentally), and I was very alarmed by with the amount of medication they were receiving.  I've also had a lot of people (sometimes strangers) message me and call me about alternative treatments to their pain.  I thought creating a self-help blog and sharing my continuing journey in healing would be of some help to those who suffer from chronic pain or know someone who does. To me, this blog is about still learning to accept the way my life has changed and moving forward.  This blog is about empowerment, learning to live again, and having hope. 

Sneak Peak into the topics I'll be covering: 

• pain management techniques 
• sleep
• overview of my appointments with specialists
• holistic medicine
• breathing techniques
• yoga
• ergonomics
• tmj pain relief product reviews
• tmj friendly food 
• mental health and resources in overcoming it
• music
• my love for Vietnamese food & cooking --- sharing my mom's recipes (TMJ friendly too!) 
• & anything that is worth living for!!!